Thursday, May 31, 2007

the Gospel according to Kirk....

It appears as if the wave of religious righteousness crashing over the United States has finally made its to B list has beens. Kirk Cameron (Growing Pains and a Shitload of Disney remakes that Kurt Russel was originally in) has picked up the bible, apparently, and has started thumping it all over the internet. If you don't believe me go to yeah I know its sounds like some cheesey ass Steven Segal movie or perhaps a bad ass movie featuring Jet Li as Bruce Lee in his final kung-fu epic, but for real this time. Trust me its not it is most definitely Kirk "Mike Seever" Cameron telling you how to worship God. It gets better though, Cameron's website is all flashed out it has great design and double speak that would impress George Orwell himself. Seriously, he tells you in a matter of fact tone that unless you accept the way of the master you are going to hell, but you don't have to take Mike Seever's word for it he is only speaking for God. I am so excited that God decided, after all these years, to talk to us again, but I am shocked that out of all the theologians in the world he chose a 1980's pop culture icon who's fictional best friend was named Boner.

If getting your ass reemed out and told that your immortal soul will spend all of eternity in hell by a tvland douchebag over the internet is good enough, which it never is, for a small fee you can be told you are going to hell via DVD! Hell, why stop there for another small fee you can become an ass clown douchebag and recieve the complete set of WAY OF THE MASTER and become a conservative bible toting fuckhead willing to condem your own family because you are that righteous.

Alright so remember that part of the bible in which Jesus gets pissed because people are selling shit in the synagogue. Well this would seem to me as if Mike Seever has taken the religion out of the church onto the internet and slapped a price tag on salvation, I might have been stupid enough to fall for that once (thanks but like thay say fool me once won't fool me again eh he he he. Cameron uses propaganda in a way that makes the Communist and Nazi movements look like drooling toddlers. But I would like to end this by saying I live my life by 3 rules.

1. Treat others the way you want to be treated
2. Don't fake the funk on a nasty dunk
3. Never trust a person with two first names

So as much as I respect the theological perspectives of Kirk Cameron I just can't trust him.


fermicat said...

Hmmm. I recommend you stick with Wil Wheaton's blog. He did things in the correct life order: twit first, normal humble (even funny) individual later. He has more here.

And bonus! He won't try to convert you.

wa11z said...

Not only does God speak through Kirk Cameron, but he is also a huge fucking Green Bay Packers fan. At least he was when Reggie White played for them.

Taylor said...

Wil Wheaton is a riot! thanks for directing me to that site fermi.

I think that God took the form of Reggie White, you ever notice after he retired they didn't really manage to do too much.

ctheokas said...

Kirk was on Nightline the other night talking to a church full of athiest (I'm sure Nightline was trying to be ironical). As you can imagine, the athiests weren't the best crowd for his preachings.

BC said...

I never liked Kirk Cameron. He was always such a pansy.